He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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