and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
