My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
