P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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