My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
