she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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