Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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