Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
