Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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