Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
