did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
