Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
