so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
