turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he fucked my hip out of place.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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