Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She bit a glass in half.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
