Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
