that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
