Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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