Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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