I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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