lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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