the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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