i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
