Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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