she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
