i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
