Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
