I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
