Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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