I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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