I want to make a zoo with you.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
