Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
