Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
