Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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