were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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