oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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