it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize