Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
FUCK WHALES
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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