anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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