Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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