Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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