Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
