ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
