You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
