Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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