Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize