dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
