I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
