...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
