Where is the hickey?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize