can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
