I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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