The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
