wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
