Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
