No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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