After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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